Since Cheery Little Thing began I’ve always tried to keep posts of a cheery nature in-keeping with the name of the blog but over the past few weeks I’ve felt myself sliding under the waves of anxiety, fear and disappointment. A trio of emotions which could become much worse if I fail to accept it can be okay to struggle with yourself, your situation and more generally, life.
So, I guess this the first step. Acknowledging that no matter how privileged I may be or should feel in my current circumstance (or you in yours), it can feel like you’re fighting against the tide, waiting for some light relief.
In hindsight, the things I’ve struggled with have largely been outside of my control; changes in the workplace; the inability to ‘finish’ some areas of the house whilst we wait for our landlady to remove furniture and arrange replastering (tidy space, tidy mind is very apt for me); pelvic pain as my muscles strain with Mini’s growth around my hips and pelvis (sadly not relieved through pain relief); attempting to sell, package and post various items to afford new furniture (to replace that being removed by our landlady); finding motivation to write amongst lethargy and, lastly; trying to be visible within various social groups whilst simultaneously wanting to run away to the Lakes/hide under the duvet for a few days.
Throughout my pregnancy so far I’ve not changed much emotionally – I’ve not broken down in tears on a frequent basis nor have I become ferocious with my words, I’ve just tried to take things as they’ve come but amidst it all, I still managed to find myself with a feeling of drowning.
I imagine it’s largely in part to exhaustion and my preference to just get things done at the time which in some instances can be unrealistic (which can, in turn, lead to frustration). And when frustration and exhaustion meet, it can leave me in a bubble where I’m not myself anymore. Words that shouldn’t hurt do, minor frustrations become a big deal and the only thing to do is to try to find time to step back and remember:
Crying to unleash pent-up emotions doesn’t equal failure.
Needing a day off work to allow yourself to find a way to manage pain doesn’t equal failure.
Not being in control of every situation doesn’t equal failure.
The sentences above are what I’ll be trying to remind myself of over the coming weeks and months as my body adapts, our lives inevitably change and life throws more curveballs at us. Whilst sometimes it can feel like I’m drowning, there’s always time for me to remember that I can swim and put those movements into action or realise it’s better to ask for help than drown.
This post was partly inspired by Ally’s post about anxiety which is worth a read and signposts a wide range of helpful links.